Monday, July 12, 2021

PIECES OF MY MIND by Steven Beai

(Please welcome my friend and guest, Steven Beai.)

  STEVEN BEAI has been writing and publishing short stories, novels, comic book scripts and articles for over 30 years.  Recently, during lengthy renovations to his home in Colorado, not able to focus on larger projects, he wrote a series of personal essays, journaling his way through the disruption late at night. In so doing, Steven found he was experiencing a level of introspection and perspective both euphoric and terrifying. Here is one of his favorites to start off, and John will post others in the future. Steve can be reached at

by Steven Beai

     On the evening of February 11, 2020, my father died after a
mercifully short decline. Two days later, I turned 57 years old.

    Two weeks later, whispers of a new virus were about to change the trajectory of all life on Earth. By mid-March, we humans were self-isolating, wearing masks whenever we ventured out to buy toilet paper that usually wasn’t there. Meanwhile, the rest of Earth seemed to be taking a deep breath and sighing with a sort of long-overdue relief. Carbon emissions decreased at a dramatic level, as did general air pollution. Wildlife ventured calmly over once-bustling streets and into suddenly quiet neighborhoods, as we stared out from our windows behind locked doors. Gas prices returned to reasonable levels, crimes of all stripes, from rape and robbery to murder, plummeted. On-line retailers enjoyed their boomiest-boom in history. For the United States Postal Service, along with UPS, FedEx, DHL and other private delivery services, every day was like a Christmas Rush.

     The following applies only to my situation. I would never deign to diminish the death of over 600,000 US citizens, because surely this number will grow before this virus is once and finally done. Nor would I ignore the damage done to countless restaurant and retail workers, the actors and musicians, the owners and managers of those related venues and so many more people adversely affected in ways both temporary and final, with a special nod to the superhuman efforts of the educational and medical personnel who, more than any other group, kept this country running. Indeed, these people, like my friend Derek, a nurse who worked 15-hour shifts without a day off for almost eight months, are responsible for getting us through the nightmare of an ongoing pandemic from a deadly respiratory virus. In this essay though I’m speaking only for myself and only for a single aspect of this situation.

      I’m speaking about self-quarantine.

   In the early days of March, 2020, it was obvious to anyone cleaving to facts that yes, this was a serious situation. Yes, you could die from this virus and die easily. Taking the advice to self-quarantine and use a mask on rare forays into public while waiting for a vaccine was a no-brainer to me.

     Truth to tell, it was like a Gift.

     I’m a writer. I work from home. I’m an only child. I had just lost my father, a man whom I was very close to all of my life. I was still processing his death and my loss. My wife was recently retired, so, like me, had no place in particular to go on a daily basis.

  Prior to the rise of the virus and resulting guidelines, I was constantly on the go, going places that were necessary but of great inconvenience to what I truly value: time to write, time to reflect, time to spend lazy days with my family. I was managing personal appearances to promote the latest published work or speaking engagements at bookstores or groups on subjects ranging from writing to politics, and then honoring those appearances. All that was over now with a great excuse.

     Self-quarantine. It was like winning a psychic lottery.

    Not only could I sleep in, I could sit with my wife in the afternoons engaging in hours-long discussions about any and everything. Or about nothing. We talked about our past, our future, what we wanted for supper. We talked about movies we had seen and wanted to watch. We talked about my Dad. We watched the desert in silence as we held hands. We fell asleep in each other’s arms, stretched out on the living room couch as the last rays of twilight sun cast shadows over the walls before nightfall. We woke easy and enjoyed long breakfasts.

    Michelle discovered magical objects to hone her already-advanced photography skills, objects within arm’s reach never before noticed.

     I mused and wrote thoughts and words I had never had the time to imagine before. I cried freely, with no need to hide my torrent of tears, for there was no one to hide from.

     I had many difficult and troubling moments as well. Many times, I considered drinking again...”just a few”... after not drinking for over 23 years. Several times I considered lying down in the middle of the day and, like several mornings, I considered never getting up again, forcing myself to keep eyes closed to discover what my father had already figured out in his own journey. I considered what it would be like to leave in an unexpected flash of suicide and then considered it from the point of Michelle and my children and there was a sudden epiphany of the sort I have never experienced. I basked in that epiphany until my self-pity disappeared and the self we call Steven Beai emerged wiser, never wanting to experience that particular all-encompassing empathy ever – not ever, ever – again. There is already too much pain in our world. I saw and learned that clearly. Pain doesn’t need any of my selfish help.

     My personal quarantine, a mix of dreams and nightmares, was the best experiences of my life to date. I loved every minute of it. Even now that I’m fully vaccinated.

     Pandemic is defined as a disease prevalent over a whole country or the world.

     Panacea is defined as a cure-all for every difficulty and disease.

     Some will go untouched by pandemics.

   And there is no such thing as a cure-all, a “panacea” for everything under our sun and stars.

  People will continue to cleave to political, religious and social tribes. People will continue to think what they are told, rather than simply think. After all, this is much easier and virtually pain-free. In the context of this pandemic, there will be those who refuse to hear the truth of self-quarantine, the benefits thereof, and the life-saving fact of vaccines. Many will die in the days to come, stubbornly honoring that refusal more than life itself. Many more will mourn their lost loved-ones with regret, forever wondering why.

   Perhaps all we can hope for is to keep moving forward to a more advanced and intelligent perspective, a willingness to embrace our personal self-awareness and confidence while denying the voices around us who ridicule such things and tempt us to deny our own instincts in favor of their deceptions. After all, those voices feed on deception and rely on our own self-deceptions and biases. They are forever busy and need constant feeding. I’ve heard their haunting whispers for my entire life.

   They have no defense against the daylight, much less a calm twilight and peaceful nightfall. They are more frightened and weak than we imagine compared to the courage we possess to see ourselves as we are.

     Thanks to the pandemic, the self-quarantine, et. al., I finally know where these voices have lived since time immemorial.

     They live in the dark nights of our souls.


(Please Comment - We'd like to know what you think.)


  1. Excellent piece describing the pandemic's many outcomes. The shift in details of everyday life was impactful. The strength built during time alone with my partner during these scary days was a benefit. We will continue to see how it's impacted us in our own ways for generations to come. Thanks for your words, they've helped me through this time !

    1. Very well stated -- everyone's journey throughout this time was/is indeed different. Like you, I was fortunate to have a terrific support system. Thank you for the kind comments. I'm humbled you found the essay meaningful to your situation. Be well. Steven

  2. Steve, I read your piece with the same interest I read the book you wrote on censorship within the comic book industry. As I've told you previous in the course of our correspondence, you are a good writer, a writer not hesitant to express your feelings.

    There is more than one way to skin a cat, and that includes the covid cat. Covid imposed choices upon each of us and I'm comfortable with each of us making our own choice, not government doing it for us.

    I know friends and family who never left their homes for a year. I know folks who wear the mask all the time, likely even to bed. I know others who operated “pre-covid” style as much as circumstances made possible.

    Clearly, your own solution to the new world of covid has worked for you, yielding a degree of serenity any man would appreciate. Good for you!

    In my own case, I had no interest in quarantining. It wasn’t an option. My wife and I own a business. Last year, at the beginning of covid, we had over 100 employees (now up to 125). They needed their jobs, their paychecks, a way to feed themselves and their family. Gov. Abbott (Texas) shut most businesses down last April with the promise that business could reopen in June. However, he quickly revised his position on internet business that were not open to the public, deeming them safe enough, so we reopened quickly and stayed open. From then until now, we’ve had two employees come down with covid. Both got it from family members and friends and not at work. And both quickly recovered and returned to work.

    I’m 74 and not retired. I like to work. I really like the work I do. My wife and I weighed the risks and got the vaccine as soon as it was available (our county did a magnificent job in getting the vaccine out to the public). At work we followed recommended protocols. For example, mask if you are up and about in the building, no mask required if at a desk. Currently, about 60% of our mostly young employees have elected to get vaccinated. Those that have chosen not to vaccinate are under no pressure from me. Masks are no longer required in our buildings, but anyone wishing to continue wearing a mask may do so. We are running our own show and liking it.
    Steve, I envy the time you have. My days are packed full. Not a problem as I love the work and the challenges. My only regret is that currently I have no time to finish my half-finished second Tarzan novel. But I’ll get to it. Can’t continue full tilt forever. Will be going part time at Lone Star Comics at some point with my son taking over the helm. Then I’ll stay just as busy, my office hours being replaced with writing time.

    While covid has diminished as a threat, it will in milder and milder form be with us until its just another piece in the virus background noise that constitutes our years flu shot. Covid hasn’t gotten me yet, but it remains that it still could take me out. If so, so be it. I’ve lived a most amazing 74 years, most of those years with a wonderful woman. If covid or whatever takes me, I hope to meet it standing up.

    1. An excellent example of the different ways folks adapted to this certainly unprecedented event. (At least in my lifetime.) Thanks, Buddy! (For those who don't know, Buddy Saunders owns and operates Lone Star Comics , which I highly recommended for any comic enthusiasts. In addition, Buddy wrote several stories in the classic illustrated Warren magazines, CREEPY and EERIE.)

  3. My biggest, and as of yet unaswered, question that floats in the vast spaces of my complex mind is why have there been zero repercussions towards the party responsible for unleashing this upon the world, or as I understand... China? Please correct me if I am misinformed because I long ago made a personal division to omit any printed or visual news providers along with my previous omission of all politics and religion completely from my life. My opinion is that all of the afore mentioned are the truest and deadliest pandemic to date.
    When I say repercussions, it is not that I mean war. Let me be perfectly clear. As I understand, this, "flu" or "virus" whatever one likes to refer it as, was created in a lab, then was somehow released from this lab, and that this lab was located in formentioned country. Again, This all what I perceive to have happened to begin all if this worldwide uncertainty. I have no idea of any accurate number of deaths resulting from this, but I am certain that number would/ should/ or could be a number well within limits of what is referred to as genocide, and very comparable to the hideous crimes of one Adolph Hitler. If I am incorrect, than I truly welcome the information necessary to answer my question. But, as I recall, very specific, swift, massive repercussions were enacted to halt that reign, and make those responsible answer for their crimes against humanity, specifically the Jewish community and any one backing or fighting with the Allied Forces. And rightly so, yet I have as of yet heard of anything being done to make those responsible for this massive loss of human (non-specific) answer for their crimes. Or is this not a crime? Just simply a "mistake" of massive proportion? I am no legal professional of any proportion, but I do know that loss of life, even if by mistake, is termed as manslaughter, and punishable. My question is very simple, as I am sure the answer should be. I doubt very much that it will be....

    1. Very interesting.

      While it may come out that this particular strain of Covid virus, in the family of the SARS virus, may have been "enhanced" in the Wuhan Virology Lab, the chances, and evidence, remain very slim. I would remind folks that the United States still possesses a small living mount of the smallpox virus (see the book Demon in the Freezer by Richard Preston, 2002, which explains in horrifying detail not what health organizations, but Government most of the developed nations...have done to preserve these virus/disease organisms..."just in case".)

      That said, I dont know what to make of your comparison to the Holocaust in WWII to the current medical pandemic. I Do know that there is absolutely NO evidence that Covid was released as a biological weapon. It can't be controlled, it doesn't discriminate from country to country -- it has NONE of the hallmarks of a biological "attack". That said, if it was somehow enhanced in a lab and if it did somehow escape from a lab due to lazy protocols...well...that could happen to ANY lab in ANY country. Beyond that, all I can say is that every school I ever attended REQUIRED certain vaccines; every branch of the military requires even more. I get a Flu shot every year, I've had my two-shot Pfizer Covid vaccine, no big deal. I'm not magnetic. I haven't grown extra appendages. I'll get the booster when it's available. But that's just me. I've had so many vaccinations in my life -- as I'm sure YOU have...for measles, mumps, polio, rubella, whooping cough, etc. -- that I'm not worried about suddenly becoming weird. And you, of all people, shouldn't worry about weird, either, you magnificent bastard. As for going to war...? Yeah, I'm all in for going to war against the unvaccinated. I remember polio. A whopping 3000 people died from Polio and when THAT vaccine was developed, it took about two months for 100% of the United States to get the shot. We should not forget our history...when should learn our history at the very least. Covid, like SARS from the same family of viruses, was NOT a biological attack. Time to take up the syringe, rather than the guns. Less painful, more effective.

      Steven Beai

  4. Ibe....I tried to publish my name but failed. My true friend Steven knows who I am and has my permission to reveal my name to anyone who requests. I will not hide behind my words.

    1. Yes, sir. You have been a good friend since our days in high school, Ron. Or should I say "Governor" DeSantis? There are those who think you're just fucking nuts, but I know you're just exceedingly greedy and would sell your own kids if the price was right. Hey! I like money, too, my old friend! Apparently though, my soul is nowhere as cheap as yours. More power to you! P.S. Do you have any plans for life after the next gubernatorial election in Florida? The chances of you being re-elected aren't looking that great, you know.

      Steven Beai